Musings From Behind The Wall

  I stole this from AmyElle, who stole it from…….., who stole it from……you know how it is……  (And I hate to be picky, but somewhere someone erased something, cause there are only 8 currents, and 7firsts)

10 FAVORITES

Favorite Color: Green
Favorite Food: Nachos from Taco Cabana
Favorite Month: Feb.
Favorite Song: Comfortably Numb (pink floyd)
Favorite Movie: Caddyshack
Favorite Sport: Basketball
Favorite Season: Summer
Favorite Day of the week: Saturday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Cherries Garcia
Favorite Time of Day: 9am-12noon

9 CURRENTS

Current Mood: Horny
Current Taste: Tacky
Current Clothes: Business Dress
Current Desktop: 2006 Steelers Super Bowl Victory montage

Current Toenail Color: N/A.

Current Time: 7:45 pm
Current Surroundings: office

Current Thoughts: I should be working.

8 FIRSTS

First Best Friend: Mark F. (the pastor’s son….we were classmates in Sunday School all the way thru, till I moved away)
First Kiss: Amy S. in the library book closet  ( the first of several Amy’s who were bad for me…..)

First Screen Name: Rayminator
First Pet: DD (Stood for dumb dog).
First Piercing: N/A (unless you count the piercing scream coming from my wife at times)
First Crush: Laura at summer camp 6th gr. & Farrah Fawcett (same time)

First CD:When CDs came out, first one I bought was Pink Floyd’s Animals (wanted to see how clear the sound really was)

7 LASTS

Last Cigarette: 20 minutes ago
Last Drink: Saturday night
Last Car Ride: 3:50pm
Last Kiss: Today, from my daughter (last real one…..weeks)
Last Movie Seen: Rumor Has It
Last Phone Call: An hour ago?
Last CD Played: Trans Siberian Orchestra  - The Last Christmas

6 HAVE YOU EVERS

Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: Yes
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yes, daily
Have You Ever Been Arrested: Yes.
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Yes    : )
Have You Ever Been on TV: Yes
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn’t Know: Yes

5 THINGS

Thing You’re Wearing: right now? Shirt, tie, slacks, etc.
Thing You’ve Done Today: worked
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: My Employee from Africa with the accent.
Thing You Can’t Live Without: Sleep
Thing You Do When You’re Bored: Watch TV or smoke cigarettes.

4 PLACES YOU’VE BEEN TODAY

1. High school (drop oldest off)

2. Elementary school (drop middle kid off)
3. Preschool (drop youngest off)
4. Work

(Gosh what a pathetic existence)

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO

1. Mary
2. Amy
3. Tony

2 CHOICES

1. on top
2. on bottom

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: I want to learn to play guitar.

TMI  Tuesday

1) What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?

Being really late, being overly talkative, especially talking about that exBF she just broke up with the whole night, and someone being unattentive.

2) Pick an animal that best displays your personality.  Owl.  
(BTW, Ariel, we are suggesting the bunny for you)

3) If your so stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay? So far, its been nearly 4 years!!LOL. I suppose I’d put in another 14 yrs, till the youngest is out of high school. 

4) Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical? Passive.
5) Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos? Yes.   On a dare.  As a teenager.  (Yes, seriously)
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a “friends with benefits” relationship? How about men?  Women:  25%  Men: 90%.

1.Which is more appealing and why - a life of leisure or a life of accomplishment? Leisure. To achieve that, you must have accomplished something. And I am ready for some leisure. I even still have my leisure suit. (Arrrrrr)

2.How many people have you kissed, not counting family? Rough guess, about 40, all but 3 prior to 1987. counting family, add one.

3.How many times have you ever been in love? 4 times for sure. A couple "thought I was" times, but later realized that wasn’t the real thing.

4.Regardless of what’s right for you now, would you say you have a good idea of the kind of person you’d like to end up with? Can you, will you tell us? Hopefully one that likes dirty old men!!!

5. If you’re dating someone, is it okay to flirt with other people? Depends. If you have committed to that person, no its not, but if you are just causally dating, sure, you may accidentally flirt with your future. Also, if you don’t get caught, OK is subjective.

6. Bonus (as in optional): Describe your personality with three adjectives that describe you well. [For the folks with “technical” degrees adjectives are modifiers, like “musical”, “adventurous”, or “carnal”.] Witty, caring, overworked.

TMI Tuesday #63

1. What is your all-time favorite gift (whether given or received by you)?  Cash!!! 
2. Where was the first place you ever passionately kissed?   We used to break into the storage room where they kept the mats for track events (the ones you land on for the high jump) and we used to all make out down there on them when I was in 6th grade. 
3. Where was the first place you ever had sex?   Backseat of a ‘74 Nova.  Lotsa room in those old backseats!!!! 
4. Have you ever had sex in your parent’s home?   Yes, as an adult.  With my wife.  Never before, although its not like I didn’t try. 
5. Have you ever met anyone in person that you met via your blog? Have you ever kissed anyone you met via your blog? Have you ever done more?   No.  You could fit all the people who read my blog into a phone booth. *(for Ariel….phone booths are these glass, square things that contained a phone - landline - that you could use after depositing a dime - later a quarter, then 35 cents - and could make a local call.  There was one in "Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure" if you would like to actually see one for yourself.  They became outdated, and are no longer in use (except in airports and bus depots), thanks to cellular phones.)  

Bonus (as in optional): Since it is the last TMI Tuesday of the years volunteer some TMI. [Sorry but it is 3am and I don’t have a thought left in my pretty little head.)   More info on #2…..we (couples) used to time each other’s kissing.  My GF (at the time) and I held the longevity record, kissing 15 minutes nonstop (without breaking lip contact).  The things 12 year old find important………..

You know you screw up big time when the serious tone comes out.  I should provide background….

I drink too much.  I work night shift, and have to get to sleep, and be up to get the kiddos off to school, so I started drinking a few beers every night to chill out and relax and get me ready for bed.

Fast forward a few years, and I am drinking a six pack a night (alone) and starting to pick up bottles of Jack Daniels or Cuervo Gold (two of my personal faves) to suppliment the beer, and, *here’s the screw up part* I hid them from my wife, so she wouldn’t have any idea how MUCH I was drinking.  Both she and my mom had made comments in the last few months, so I was not thinking openness, I was thinking not telling them, and feeding their fears.  So, she found the hidden stash of bottle(s), and confronted me.  Not good, the serious tone.  To my surprise, the alcohol consumption was not the topic of concern, it was the lying and deception of the bottles bought and hidden without her knowledge.

(BTW I still get up every day, the kids have NEVER been late for school.  I just go home and nap after they are dropped off)

Hmmmmmm

Suddenly I feel pretty wrong.  Suddenly the words "trust", and "honesty" are pounding in my brain.  I lied to her once before (OK, not just once, but once I got caught big time) about a savings bond, and before I knew it, I was sleeping on the couch for 18 months (alot of other sh*t went into that, but the lie started the ball rolling).  So, this is "the second time".  We have been married nearly 19 yrs, and there have been more than both of our share of deceptions, but I am not trying to deflect blame. 

I made a promise when I got married, to myself, where I’d never get divorced, because I was brought up in a broken home.  I have gone through some tough times trying to keep that promise.  Now, I am afraid I have started to take my control out of that situation.  What if she decides, she’s done dealing with me?  I worry.  On the other hand, I am not ecstatic (sp?) daily, and after 19 yrs, I am a very tired middle aged father looking for the path of least resistance.  Remember, I speak from behind a very high and well fortified wall.

That said, I have life changing decisions to make.  Do I let her *TSN* hold this over me, and be contrite and apologetic (which I should be, to a point) until she decides she has exacted the proper amount of flesh, or do I just torpedo the whole thing and start over?  Do I try to work on being a better me and a better "us", or do I just choose the path of least resisitance, and become my father, absent, involved in my own life, and (seemingly) uncaring?  I actually am torn.  Part of me wonders if I cannot find true happiness outside of this marriage.  But the conservative in me is scared to do that.  And I don’t want to leave, really.  I REALLY want to be in love with my wife again.  Unfortunately, we live separate lives, me at night, her during the day.  We do the weekend thing, but that is dominated by kids activities and church on Sunday (yes, Christians can also be alcoholics!).   I feel very alone in my marriage, because we are more like "friends who screw once a week when we get drunk".   Rarely do we make love when she and I are not buzzed or completely hammered.  She is not in love with me, I can clearly see that, and it has been that way for years.  I am still attracted to her, but am not "in love" anymore.  I am so, so, melancholy at the thought of continuing this existence until I die.  I want more, but I first want it WITH her.  If she doesn’t want me, though, why do I continue to hope that will change?

Ahhh.  I won’t solve it tonight.  But I will keep trying……………………God, help me do what’s right?

I have a friend….a really good friend I will call Ariel, the little mermaid.  She is my muse, sometimes, she listens, she calls BS on me.  She is a little firecracker, and I respect her for it.  She is also my buddy’s wife, and the 3 of us are a dangerous combination, especially when you stir in a little alcohol.  The zingers are a zinging!!!!

We talk via email so much he accuses us of having an e-affair.  And she just laughs at him and lets him think what he wants. 

I just wanted to tell her I appreciate her friendship, too.